To Andrea- because you ARE awesome :)
Much like myself, but to a greater degree, my big sister does not possess a filter. Her top mishaps range from offering a (known) recovering alcoholic a drink, telling a boss and brand new coworker to leave her office because she was “napping”, and so on.
Because of this, her wife has come to fondly (or not so fondly) address this as foot in mouth syndrome.
In theory, she should change her blunt ways and learn to control herself. But no one REALLY wants that!
But have no fear! Where there’s a will to justify bad behavior- there’s a shark!
I am so behind with just about everything in my life right now, and so unfortunately blogging has had to be put on the back burner. I promise once I get my shit together I have a few ideas just waiting to be drawn up- but in the meantime here’s a story I neglected to share in the past. I wish I had more drawings but unfortunately I only whipped up the one. And I admit it is not very good. But it will hold you over until I have more time.
Background: Boyfriend’s mother is incapable of keeping pets. Or at least 95% incapable- every now and then she gets one she ends up keeping. (please remember this fact for an upcoming post)
One day, we’re up at Nic’s mothers house, and there’s this sweet little black tailless kitten running amuck. His mom has had him about 3 months at this point, and has neglected to give it a name because “he’s a little shit” (something that she ultimately says about all of her pets). So “Baby Kitty” is being all sad, pitiful and nameless, and approaches me for some lovin’. Of course, I oblige. Then boyfriend’s mom’s all “OMFG YOU SHOULD TAKE THE KITTEH” and I’m all “OMFG NIC WE CAN’T LET IT GO TO THE POUND!” (Stupid, self, just stupid) so Nic says “oh ok we’ll take him” and me, assuming we will just find a new home for him (after giving him a name) and all will be good in the universe.
It didn’t take long before I realize what a bad idea this was.
This cat is a terror. And he’s dumber than a box of rocks. After weeks of him getting into the garbage, knocking things over, scratching our furniture, breaking things…. I thought I was at my wits end.
And then…it happened. He kept jumping on the couch while I was on the computer (which was not uncommon at all since he felt the need to attack my fingers). I was busy doing homework and for some reason he smelled TERRIBLE so I kept pushing him off without a second thought. Finally…. I turned to look at him, to yell, and I noticed where the smell was coming from.
The cat had managed to get his collar stuck on his jaw while trying to chew it off. Consequently, he had drooled all over himself and everything in his wake and he had horrible breath.
How do I wind up with these dysfunctional pets?!
Needless to say… we’re stuck with him. And as I write this he lays sleepily by my head on the back of the couch planning his next attack.
Facebook, thank you for making it possible for friends to share with me little treasures like these. Amen.
DISCLAIMER: You might think I’m a terrible person after this post. So. If you’re borderline hating me? You may just want to skip this one.
While I wish I could say there were just a few things on this list; I can’t. This list seems to grow every day. And exponentially.
However, for the sake of saving face- *snicker*- ok, so for the sake of sparing you a three day long post- here are just a few offenders:
Attention brides everywhere: NO. NO, NO, NO, NO… NO! Flowers are NOT meant to be green. Flowers are meant to compliment the lovely green foliage that embraces them. Not resemble baby heads of lettuce. They assault my eyes and make me want to throw them into a pit of fire Sure, there are probably instances that they look lovely. But. Until I see something that shakes the earth I stand upon?
SAY NO TO GREEN HYDRANGEAS!
PEOPLE WHO FIT STEREOTYPES
Look. I have been the butt of jokes. Been an outcast. And I understand that
stereotypes are cruel and labeling people is wrong. But what do you do when someone GENUINELY fits a stereotype? Suddenly you are faced with terrible guilt and immense satisfaction all at the same time. Part of you wants to jump up and down and tell everyone you know like you’ve just caught the fucking lucky charms leprechaun, and the other part of you wants to hide in a corner and die a little inside. So. Even though a little schadenfreude is good for the soul, the sincere satisfaction I get from it ultimately results in a tremendous amount of guilt that I would rather just avoid.
BULLSHIT ART & THE
Yes. I am an Art History buff. Yes. It IS what I tend to make a career in. Yes. Art is a means of expression and is an incredibly powerful tool for shaping society. However, no matter how much art I produce I hate referring to myself as an artist. Because it is now stigma- associated with snooty people, dressed in black, drinking wine and discussing the importance of the image of the semi-colon…. What the hell happened? I’ll tell you what happened. People started looking at the varying facets of Modern art and started thinking “Hey! I can do that!” completely missing the point. Artists are supposed to be independent of society- not created by it.
MACARONI & CHEESE BOXES
No. I will NOT insert my thumb. You know why? BECAUSE MY THUMB IS BLUNT AND NOT SHARP AND IT DOESN’T FREELY INSERT INTO CARDBOARD. Why can’t they make a pull off tab like pizza boxes? Or not put any instructions at all? I mean come on! Are there humans out there with super box opening thumbs? Can you train your thumb for such fantastic feats? Please, someone. Help me out here.
Well folks, I’ll leave you with that for now. But don’t be surprised when I add to this list later on.
So in tragic desk mishap, my sister managed to totally crush her big toe. This is doubly tragic because my sister does roller derby and a swollen broken toe doesn’t cooperate with skating. After she posted a picture of the horrific result, people of course started asking questions. She admitted to what really happened, but quite frankly dropping a desk on her toe isn’t nearly badass enough for my sister. So, being the good little sibling, I devised a NEW story about how her toe single handedly (footedly?) took on a flock of rabid capybaras who were attempting to trample a basket full of baby kittens. Obviously, this story was lacking without proper illustration….
So here it is for your viewing pleasure!